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Thoughts of a Mass-Goer

Hello Lord, it’s me, I’m back again.

I thank You for the past week, You give me more than I deserve. I want to give everything to You. Jesus, I trust in You. Save us all from the fires of hell and lead all souls to heaven.

Mind you, it is a bit cold in here this evening, I wish they’d turn the heat on. They never do.

Lord, please watch over our Ciaran and help him in his exam on Thursday. He’s worked ever so hard.

Look at him there, talking away to You, he’s a good boy.

Not too many in yet, suppose they’ve fifteen minutes anyways.

Lord, strengthen me in my faith.

Got a good seat this week, well placed too. Nicely in the middle.

Not at the back because I’m not afraid to be seen here before You.

Not at the front because I don’t need to be seen here before You.

Not like Nora up there.

Look at her, always goes for the front seat. Has to be seen. As if she’s so holy. Nasty piece of work she is. She chased me from her door whenever I was selling raffle tickets. The auld bag. And it for the renovation of this church!

It does look well now. They did a good job.

All for Your glory Lord.

Probably spent too much. Too much marble up there behind the altar.

Fr Brian’s always been a bit flash. Probably thinks it’ll pull in a few more parishioners. Some chance.

The Church’s days are numbered, I’d say.

Which is sad of course. Sad for you Lord. And for us I suppose.

Would be a shame to see this church closed after all the work.

Lord, please help our church and bring in new parishioners.

They’d need to be the right sort though. Our sort.

We already have too many of those foreigners. Oh here’s a squad of them coming up the aisle. Surprised they’re on time, usually don’t make it in before the homily! They need to get a handle on their children too. Wasn’t like that in my day. You’d have got a slap for causing trouble. And that would have been from the priest!

We don’t have priests like that any more. They were good strong, pious men, they served You properly. But then who knows what they were up to behind closed doors, plenty of scandals between the lot of them. Dreadful stuff.

And God knows what those young priests get up to nowadays. Dreadful.

Fr Brian’s getting old too, I wonder who will replace him.

Lord, send more young men, good men, into the priesthood and send us a good replacement for Fr Brian when the time comes.

And not one of those black priests. I can’t understand what any of them say. And they go on and on. Their masses are well over an hour! Don’t they know we have better things to be at? Someone should tell them this isn’t Africa!

Oh I wish Mick would just blow his nose, the noise of him! Everyone will be looking our way.

But Lord, thank you for our marriage and the many happy years we’ve had together.

Well, mostly happy.

Better than Patsys there anyways. Heard she has a new man, oh who was it now? Ah it’ll come back to me. But sure her man left her for a younger woman, can’t really blame her.

Not divorced though, the whole things hush hush. Ah the state of marriages nowadays is appalling. Wasn’t like that when I was young, you just stuck together, didn’t matter if you loved the man or not. You just got on with it. Young ones are too flippant. Fall in and out of love like it’s the films. They don’t make marriages like they used to!

Oh that was funny, I must remember that one for later. They don’t make marriages like they used to.

God, look how young the altar boys are! That must be Kevin McAleers lad. He’d be about that age now.

Good on Kevin, still going to the church, even with all his money. He’s a nice sort of a man, not too flash. Does drive a nice car though, always did. But good on him sending his son to be an altar boy, that’ll keep the lad grounded.

I’m sure there’s no truth to the rumour about where he got the money, Kevin wouldn’t be that sort of a man. Though, how often do you get his sort of money without crossing a line or two.

Lord, you know times are tough with us, if you could send us a few extra pounds, I’d be eternally grateful.

What was that old prayer we used to say in school?

“Holy Mary, Mother of God, send us down a couple of Bob”.

Could do with more than a couple, mind you.

If I could only win the lotto, then I’d be happy.

And Lord, I wouldn’t get carried away, and I’d donate plenty to the church and to the starving babies in Africa of course. It wouldn’t change me.

Must remember to do the lotto this week.

Oh and who’s she? Haven’t seen her before. Dressed awful fancy. It’s probably the only time she’s been to mass this year. Dreadful, her taking up a seat on some poor old regular who’ll have to stand at the back now with all those ignorant old men. Although there’s still plenty of seats free, there usually is.

Oh the thought of standing at the back! Dreadful altogether. Those old men, they never stop talking. Why don’t they just head to the pub instead and leave us holy ones in peace?

Lord, please help Ciaran in his exam this week.

Did I already ask You for that?

I do hope he changes his mind and applies for university and forget this silly notion of the priesthood. It’s just a passing phase.

Sure wasn’t i looking at joining the convent at his age? Just a passing phase.

Oh the nuns, could you imagine me in the habit? Thank You for steering me clear of that! They’ve even more scandals than the priest these days. Nasty business altogether.

Yes, no wonder the Church’s days are numbered. Still, would be a same to close such a lovely building.

Oh there’s the bell, right let’s go.

Oh God, it’s the Nigerian priest again, why can’t it be Fr Brian?

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